How important is it to forgive?

Forgiveness is often associated with healing and inner peace

I often hear in my counseling how clients struggle with forgiving someone. It was suggested to them somewhere to bring closure to a painful experience. But it's not so easy for them, and some even feel guilty about it. As if they have to be the better person who can forgive and is therefore above the situation. But is this really always the best way? In this text, I would like to shed some light on the importance of forgiveness and also share my objections.

The classic view of forgiveness

Forgiveness is often portrayed as an act of liberation. When we forgive someone, we let go of the pain and bitterness that binds us to the past. It is said that forgiveness helps us to find inner peace. This view is certainly justified, but it is important to realize that forgiveness is not always easy and is not the best solution in every situation.

The challenges of forgiveness

Why is forgiveness not always easy? The wounds are often deep and the memories painful. You have experienced injustice, you have been wronged, it really happened. Forgiving means telling the other person "it's okay". But maybe it wasn't okay, and it's important to you that this is clear. Forgiveness comes easier if the person we are supposed to forgive acknowledges their mistake and, at best, apologizes. But what happens if this acknowledgement fails to materialize? Or if the person who has hurt us is not prepared to take responsibility?

Forgiveness as a conscious act

There are situations in which forgiveness is possible, even if the other person shows no remorse. If you understand in your own way why someone has acted in this way, you may be able to find the courage to forgive anyway. But you don't have to. Forgiveness is a very personal process. Forcing yourself to do so or feeling forced to do so is like going against yourself again. The injustice would repeat itself, and instead of protecting yourself, you would attack yourself all over again.

Understanding as the key

To prevent such cases, understanding can be more important than forgiveness. We cannot always understand the reasons and motives for the other person's behavior. However, we can understand the dynamics or connections. What happened: You were wronged and the other person did not acknowledge it. It wasn't a misunderstanding, every time you talk about it, it only gets worse for you. The other person shows no understanding, ridicules or despises your opinion. So, you can't expect more from the other person. Understanding and acknowledging this is usually the first step towards coming to terms with the situation.

You can decide how you want to conclude the topic

In addition to understanding, a conscious decision also plays an important role. Even if the other person shows no remorse and we can no longer change anything, we can decide whether we want to continue to hold on to the hurt or whether we want to free ourselves from it. This decision is independent of whether the other person asks for forgiveness or not. It is completely independent of the other person, and that is what liberation is all about. We no longer expect anything of the other person, nor do we need to forgive. We decide on a new position that we choose towards this situation.

Letting go of anger

Zorn und Wut sind wichtige Empfindungen, die versuchen, uns zu schützen. Wurde uns Unrecht angetan, hilft die Wut uns, um unser Recht zu kämpfen und klare Grenzen zu setzen. Wir können aber nicht ewig an der Wut festhalten. Die Wut hat ihre Arbeit getan in dem Moment, in dem du eine klare Grenze setzen konntest und diese jetzt auch einhältst. Das ist deine Haltung, dein Schlussstrich. Bleibt die Wut gegen die andere Person bestehen, tust du dir auf Dauer mehr selber weh als dem anderen. Du darfst dich bei Wut und Zorn bedanken für die Arbeit, die sie getan haben, und anschließend weiterziehen. Nicht für den anderen, sondern für dich.

Invitation to Exchange ideas

If you find it difficult to forgive or if you can't come to terms with a certain situation because you feel you have to forgive, you are welcome to contact me. Together we can work on understanding the situation and finding the way that is best for you.