What you should definitely avoid if you want your relationship to last and remain strong

So you want to work on your communication?

Most couples who come to counseling want to improve their communication. This often involves avoiding arguments and escalation. Many believe they need to work on their communication by learning specific techniques, such as active listening. However, it turns out that these only help to a limited extent, and here I am sharing an approach that explains why and what to look out for instead.

Failure is foreseeable

John Gottman, an American relationship expert, wanted to scientifically determine what makes healthy relationships and has observed countless couples in his „LoveLab“ to do so. His observations helped to understand how conflicts arise in couples and what makes the difference between a constructive argument - which is actually important to happen - and a so- called Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the relationship. This is what Gottman called the forms of communication that, according to his measurements, sooner or later bring every relationship to failure. He, recognized 4 „Horsemen“ and found that any attempt to work on communication failed as long as they were not recognized and avoided.

Today I will explain what these 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are and how to avoid them.

1. Criticism

Criticism that goes beyond the complaint and attacks the character or personality of the partner can be very damaging. Instead of criticizing specific behaviors, the partner is devalued as a person.

For example:

- “You never help around the house!”

- “You're ruining everything we've built!”

- “You never listen to me, you're so selfish!”

Criticism is expressed in generalizing statements (“never” or “always”), attacking the other person's character (selfish, inattentive, stubborn, etc.) or accusations (because of you). The aim is to correct the partner in his “wrongness”. This automatically puts you above the other person, which prevents communication at eye level, which is important for constructive conflict resolution.

Constructive alternatives to criticism

- “I feel overwhelmed with the housework. Can we talk about how we can share the work better?”

- “I'm afraid we're going to lose what we've built together and I want to find a solution with you. Let's sit down and think about how we can improve the situation.”

- “I would like you to listen to me more when I talk about my day. It's important to me that we stay in touch.”

So it's important to avoid direct attacks and generalizations. Instead, each person should focus on the specific behavior that bothers them and express their observations and needs without judging the other person. This keeps the communication respectful and solution-oriented.

2. Contempt

Contempt is shown through disrespectful comments, sarcasm or condescending behavior. It signals to the partner that he or she is inferior.

For example, eye rolling, mocking or derogatory comments such as:

- “You could do this on your own, you're just too lazy.”

- “You just haven't learned how to handle money, and now you have the problem.”

- “Now you're shouting again. You probably don't know any other language, so it doesn't make sense to have a reasonable conversation with you.”

Strengthening the relationship often means questioning self-protection

Contempt is usually a protective reaction that we´ve learned in other areas, such as our family of origin, among siblings, at school or at work. It is supposed to protect us from being despised or treated as inferior. In a relationship, however, it is important that both partners treat each other as equals, with respect and trust. This is the only way for both to feel safe. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes. If you have doubts about what your partner does or doesn't do, or if you question their values and actions, it´s always important to ask questions and remain genuinely curious instead of accusing or judging them.

3. Defensiveness and justification

Defensive behavior occurs when you constantly justify yourself and blame your partner instead of taking responsibility for your own behavior.

For example:

- “It's not my fault we're late, you held me up!”

- “If you had reminded me earlier, I wouldn't have forgotten.”

- “I'm not only working so late for myself, but also for your sake.”

Justification is a dead end

When you justify yourself, you are not taking responsibility for your own behavior. This can lead to your partner feeling like you are not taking them seriously, and trust and intimacy in the relationship can be weakened. Instead of resolving conflicts, they intensify when both partners try to prove their innocence. Sooner or later, this prevents couples from talking openly and honestly with each other. Learning that your partner will react defensively can cause you to avoid bringing up certain topics altogether, simply to avoid the frustrating discussion.

Justifications are missed opportunities

By justifying yourself, you miss the opportunity to learn from mistakes and experience personal growth. In the long term, this can hinder individual and mutual growth as a couple.

An alternative to justification could be:

- “I'm sorry we're late. I should have left earlier. Next time I'll plan better.”

This shows that you are taking responsibility, taking the needs of the other person seriously and are willing to learn from the situation.

4. Stonewalling

Building walls means that one partner withdraws emotionally and refuses to communicate. This can occur as a flight response to conflict and stress. While criticism can occur in the early stages of a relationship, stonewalling is usually a consequence of earlier failed discussions. When couples become increasingly distant from each other due to criticism, contempt and constant defensiveness, building a wall often becomes a protective reaction out of helplessness. Partners then refuse to talk at some point, leave the room when they feel it is starting again, or tune out.

Those who stonewall often see no alternative

Trying to break through the wall, for example by complaining, shouting or demanding more, usually only intensifies the defensive behavior. So if one of the partners starts walling, it becomes very difficult for the couple to resolve the situation among themselves, because the trust in their joint abilities has dwindled too much.

If one or both partners realize that they are increasingly withdrawing and do not know how they can even talk to their partner anymore, the best alternative is usually to get help from outside.

Communication is only the symptom

These four horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – are expressed through our communication, but as may have become clear, there is much more to it than that. 

Learned role behavior, personal expectations,protective reactions and issues such as trust and vulnerability can contribute to this. How is the partner seen? What significance does the relationship have for each individual? And how willing are they to meet at eye level? It is important to understand the background on both sides. For example, if you find that alternative communication approaches are very difficult for you, it may be because it feels unfamiliar or strange, or you even get the feeling that you are making yourself too vulnerable. There can be various reasons for this, which can be discussed in individual or couples therapy in a protected space.  

My personal assessment

I shared Gottman's theory here because I think it very aptly describes how communication is often just the tip of the iceberg. Besides, I encounter his four horsemen very often in my counseling and notice how they not only harm the relationship, but also both partners' personal well-being. If you recognize yourself in these descriptions and would like to delve deeper into the topic, please feel free to contact me.