When is a relationship toxic?

The term "toxic relationship" has become very common

Soziale Netzwerke sind voll von Hinweisen darauf, wann eine Beziehung toxisch ist. Der Überfluss an Informationen kann leicht zu Verwirrung führen. In meiner Praxis habe ich festgestellt, dass sich viele in den Beispielsituationen wiederfinden, die von Influencern der Mental Health oder in diversen Podcasts als toxisch bezeichnet werden. Gleichzeitig sind Auseinandersetzungen Teil jeder Beziehung und tragen auch zum gemeinsamen Wachstum bei. Woran kann man also erkennen, ob eine Beziehungsdynamik ungesund ist oder nicht, und wann kann man daran arbeiten?

Do toxic relationships really exist?

A relationship could be described as toxic if both, but often just one of the two, suffers from the relationship dynamic. This can go so far as to damage the mental or physical health of the individual. Unhealthy relationships exist, perhaps more than we think, and their negative impact on our general wellbeing is often underestimated. That's why it's important to talk about it. However, if we only observe the so-called RED FLAGS, i.e. the warning signs that are so often mentioned, such as gaslighting, lack of empathy, impulsive reactions, etc., then we start to have doubts about almost every partner at some point.

The term "toxic" is often chosen prematurely

Niemand kann immer total empathisch reagieren. Wir sind oft erst einmal bei uns selbst in Konflikten und gehen in die Defensive. Wenn du in der Situation steckst, ist es erst einmal gar nicht so einfach zu erkennen, ob eure Konflikte Möglichkeiten des Wachstums sein können oder definitive Warnsignale bestehen. Gehen wir immer gleich davon aus, dass das Verhalten des Partners toxisch ist, hören wir nicht mehr genau zu und sind dann ja irgendwie selbst toxisch.

I always go back to three principles

I definitely don't want to offer the ultimate solution to the problem here. I'm more interested in a change of perspective. From the negative aspects (red flags) to the resources, or what I have found to be essential for a healthy relationship. Regardless of whether you are in a toxic relationship or not, these aspects are guidelines that show you whether there is a need to work more actively on the relationship.

What about your trust?

Der Mensch, mit dem ich zusammen bin, sollte ein Mensch sein, dem ich vertrauen kann und der mir vertraut. Wenn ich vertraue, fühle ich mich sicher und kann mich frei ausdrücken, ohne Angst zu haben, verurteilt oder verachtet zu werden für das, was ich denke oder fühle. Wenn mein Partner mir vertraut, spricht er frei und ehrlich. Es besteht Raum für die Individualität des Einzelnen.

The level of trust in a relationship can also falter. Regardless of whether your relationship dynamic is toxic, both of you should show a willingness to actively work on mutual trust.

Is there mutual respect?

Do you have the feeling that your partner respects you? That he knows and respects your boundaries? That he asks instead of demanding? That he speaks to you as an equal and accepts it if you have a different opinion? Trust and respect go hand in hand and complement each other. If I feel respected, I can trust more easily. If I experience trust, it is easier for me to remain respectful. Respect and trust guarantee that we are treated as worthy and equal human beings. This should be the basis of every interpersonal relationship.

Despite trust and respect, misunderstandings can occur

We are human and we can often react out of old hurts. There may have been times in our lives when we didn't experience respect or trust, and this causes us to go on the defensive in arguments. Misunderstandings in a relationship can trigger us particularly strongly, as they bring us back into contact with our attachment experiences from childhood. Learned protective reactions may lead to mistrust or cause us to react in a hurtful way.

The third principle: Both take responsibility

We can never undo wrongdoing that has happened, we can only apologize, show insight and take responsibility. This means making clear changes and drawing consequences from the experience. Showing a willingness to work on ourselves in order to build a safe relationship for both of us. If this willingness exists in each individual, then there is always hope.

Do you still have doubts?

If you find yourself in a situation in which you have strong doubts and find it difficult to judge what is happening to you, it is always better to get someone to look at the situation with you from the outside. We share responsibility in every situation, but that doesn't mean that we can or must always solve it on our own.