The pain of separation - Get some closure

Clear closure is not always possible

Break-ups are particularly difficult to overcome if the end has remained open and no clarifying and concluding conversation has been able to take place. Somehow you are still stuck in the misunderstandings, want to clarify open questions and old arguments are circling around in your head. At the same time, however, it is precisely this lack of understanding that leads to a couple breaking up. It is therefore somehow logical that a clarifying conclusion cannot be reached.

How do you get out of such a dilemma so that you can come to terms with the situation for yourself?

There is no closure

Als ich diesen Satz zum ersten Mal hörte, wurde mir auf einmal einiges klar. Ich dachte selbst lange, dass wir immer das klärende Gespräch suchen sollten, um einen Schlussstrich unter eine Situation ziehen zu können. Klar, weil gegenseitiges Verständnis Frieden gibt. Die Fronten sind geklärt. Das Problem bei dieser Situation ist, dass sie nie nur von mir selbst abhängig ist. Wenn ich auf einen klärenden Abschluss hoffe, dann gebe ich immer auch einen Teil meines möglichen Friedens in die Hände des anderen: Wird er das, was ich ihm versuche zu erklären, auch so verstehen, wie ich es meine? Wird er mir eine Sichtweise schildern, die ich nachvollziehen kann?

Often it causes more harm tan good

With the hope of finding a common denominator, we can burden ourselves and the other person again and again. Perhaps it is already clear to both of you that the relationship is over. You don't agree on why or what happened and you keep talking about the same topics and it never ends. That is also hurtful.

Often, a break-up only comes from one person. Despite explanations, the other person doesn't understand why and needs more. The reasons given by the partner may not make sense to him or her. He or she has a different opinion. So, he or she clings to the need to understand and to be heard. This is understandable, something important has been taken from him or her and they cannot undo it. At the same time, a separation cannot be dependent on both parties being in agreement. That would force the other person to stay, even if he/she wants to leave.

The demand for a "better" explanation is therefore also a burden for both.

Finding closure for yourself

It is often fairer to yourself and your ex-partner to find closure for yourself. This means accepting that you can't and don't have to understand everything. It is unavoidable that two people can experience the same relationship differently and may have different reasons for breaking up.

Den Abschluss für sich selbst zu finden bedeutet, zu akzeptieren, dass man keine absolute Kontrolle über die Situation bekommen kann. Man hat schließlich keine Kontrolle über den anderen und kommt nur wieder zu sich selbst, wenn man die Situation loslässt.

Finding your own conclusión

It can be helpful to find a phrase or a mantra that you say to yourself over and over again to internalize a conclusión.

For example:

"My girlfriend broke up with me because she needed a change."

"I don't understand what happened, because it's not easy to understand the other person exactly. Accepting and respecting his decision is also giving love."

"I'm angry and disappointed about your decision, but I can't change it."

In counseling, you can also work out such phrases in more detail for yourself. It's always about taking something away from the experience for yourself and remaining respectful towards both parties.

This is not an easy step to take, which is why many people seek counseling after a break-up in order to better understand themselves and the situation. Counseling can help you find meaning for yourself, come to terms with the experience and look forward again.