Self-compassion – When you've “once again” fallen for the wrong guy

In my work as a counselor, I often encounter the frustration of not finding the right partner, and well it’s not that easy. When dating or in relationships, we may find ourselves falling into similar patternsover and over again. Maybe you have already had the feeling that your ex-partners had a lot in common after all, or that you keep choosing the same unsuitable partners. This can be frustrating and painful, and often we tend to judge ourselves for it. But that doesn't make it any better either. Here I explain why.

The power of patterns

Patterns in our relationships often arise from deep-rooted experiences. You may have experienced certain patterns of behavior in your childhood that are repeated in your adult life. Recognizing these patterns is the first step, but breaking them is a completely different challenge.

Self-compassion is needed

This is where the concept of self-compassion comes into play. Self-compassion means treating ourselves as we would a good friend. Instead of criticizing and blaming ourselves, we show understanding and compassion for ourselves in difficult situations. This doesn't mean excusing our behavior, but rather being aware that we're human — making mistakes is part of the learning process.

If you regret a relationship decision, you can of course reflect on what you can learn from it. But also ask yourself: “How would I talk to a friend who is in this situation?” You would probably encourage them, be understanding of why they made that decision, and assure them that it's okay to make mistakes.

The influence of self-compassion on our self-esteem

One crucial aspect of self-compassion is that it gives us much of what we often seek in a relationship: support, acceptance, and understanding. When we judge ourselves, we automatically feel more alone. We are then more likely to act out of fear or stress and pay less attention to important cues. So self-compassion can also help you to avoid seeking out a partner because you need one. You are a good partner to yourself and you are also more critical when others do not treat you well.

Steps to more self-compassion

1. Recognize your situation and your feelings: Acknowledge that it is normal to have vulnerable feelings. It's okay to be disappointed or sad when a relationship has not worked out.
2. Pay attention to your inner voices: How do you talk to yourself and how do you listen to yourself? How do you feel about it? What feelings do your inner voices trigger in you? What would a good friend say to you about this situation? Tell yourself that it's okay to make mistakes and that you can learn from them.
3. Identify your needs: What do you need right now? What do you need to hear or feel right now? Maybe a hug or a hand on your heart. Or maybe you need some rest from the thoughts racing through your mind.
4. Seek support: Talk to friends or a therapist about your experiences. When it comes to relationships, it can be helpful to hear another perspective.

Self-compassion is a powerful tool

By being kind and understanding to ourselves, we can not only increase our self-esteem but also develop the ability to make better decisions about our partners. It is a learning process that requires time and patience, but it is worth it. If you have any further questions on this topic, please feel free to contact me.