Recognize emotional manipulation

Diagnosis or dynamics

Recently, there is more information about toxic relationships, narcissists and manipulation in relationships. The topic that love is not always love and that we can quickly and unexpectedly get caught up in relationship dynamics that disrespect us is fortunately more widespread today.

I come from a generation that grew up watching countless romantic comedies in which toxic behavior was often heavily romanticized. At least that's often my impression when I watch movies from the past today.

At the same time, I notice how these difficult terms and labels such as “narcissist” and “toxic” are used quickly today. I have already written something about “toxic relationships” and what you should look out for instead.

In my opinion, it is more important to understand the process than to name it, and that is what my next two texts are about.

Recognizing emotional manipulation is not easy

In my work as a counselor, I often meet people who find themselves in manipulative dynamics without realizing it. Even in counselling, I can't just jump to conclusions.

If you find yourself in such a situation, you may not realize it at first. You may notice that you argue a lot with your partner and that you feel irritated or caught off guard afterwards. You may start to justify yourself in conversations or avoid certain topics to prevent confrontation, even though you don't do that with others. You may also talk a lot and exchange ideas, but end up with nothing. There can be many factors that contribute to this. Emotional manipulation is one of them.

Emotional manipulation is versatile and we almost all use it

The fact that we find it difficult to recognize emotional manipulation is also because almost all of us have learned forms of manipulation in our environment that have always been perceived as completely normal. Many of us are sure to remember the classic “If you don´t behave, you won't get any ice cream” from our childhood. Or: “Now I´m sad because you didn't call,” where we make someone else responsible for our feelings. Why is this manipulative and not beneficial for the relationship?

What is manipulation about?

Manipulative behavior is behavior or communication with the intention of getting someone to do something, usually to cooperate. So, one side wants or needs something that the other side should serve. From the outset, it is not about both, but only about one, which is why it is so damaging in relationships, where mutual consideration is an important prerequisite. But it also sounds at first as if the manipulative part has hatched an evil plan to manipulate in its favor, and that is not so in the vast majority of cases.

We are often unaware of when we manipulate ourselves, because at some point we all want someone to do something for us. Recognizing and stopping manipulation in yourself or in others helps you to create more conscious and fair relationships. It is important that you know how to set boundaries, because the irritation and emotional pressure that manipulation brings with it are highly stressful.

Here I share four classic forms of manipulative behavior that can provide some guidance.

Four forms of manipulation

1. Punishment:

Probably the most obvious form of manipulation, but as I said, it starts with: “If you're not nice, you won't get any ice cream.” But it doesn't have to be threatened with any specific consequences. Punishment can also be your partner taking out their anger on you or a punishing silence. Many people still know punishment from their childhood and therefore accept it easily and without questioning it.

2. Self-punishment:

When someone threatens to harm themselves because of the other person, this is the most extreme form of self-punishment. But it can also be self-insulting or self-contempt that someone expresses to another in the hope that the other person will now worry and take care. “Self-punishers” first take action against themselves, but then often give you the responsibility for their behavior. “Because you didn't call on time, I think I'm worthless again.” Of course, we don't want our partner to feel bad about us, so we try to make amends.

3. Victimization:

People who see themselves as victims hope that you will save them. They don't see the possibility of taking responsibility for themselves and their situation, think they can't do it on their own, and make you feel needed. Feeling needed is a strong trigger for many, and they easily jump on the neediness and want to help. However, victims can go so far as to believe that the only way to get out of their situation is for you to give them what they need. If you don't guess what their need is, they could accuse you of not loving them enough.

4. Tranquilizer:

Not in the sense of medication, but our communication can also serve as a tranquilizer. When we say things more with the intention of calming the other person than because we really mean them. The person who is trying to calm the other person down usually says “yes, but...” and explains why certain expectations or changes will definitely be made in the future, they just can't happen right now because... and then an explanation or excuse follows.

Come back to you

No matter what form the manipulation takes, it is important to stop it, because it won't get better if you continue. No matter how hard you try to give your partner what they are asking for,it just goes on and on. In a future post, I will write more about how we get into such situations and what can get us out of them. So stay tuned 😉