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And why it's crucial to know them and stand up for them

There are dealbreakers in every relationship

In every relationship, there are topics that you don't agree on. A healthy way to deal with these disagreements is to say: "We agree to disagree". However, there are also issues where it is extremely important to you that your partner is on your side and has similar views. These are your dealbreakers. If you don't agree here, the contract breaks and the relationship can't continue.

In every relationship, there are these non-negotiable values and principles that serve as the foundation of personal well-being and mutual respect. In this post, I want to share my experience with the importance of deal breakers and why it is so important to know and uphold them.

Self-knowledge as a starting point

Knowing your own deal breakers requires that you know yourself well. It's about understanding your own values, beliefs and boundaries. It often helps to look back at previous relationships or topics of discussion that come up again and again in your life. These situations tell you a lot about what is important to you and what you are NOT comfortable with.

It could be, for example certain religious or spiritual values, or quite the opposite, that a partner who is too religious or spiritual would be out of the question. It could also be certain types of behavior towards other people. If you bring up the subject, you won't agree. It doesn't have to be a reason for breaking up. However, if you see that this attitude is as essential for your partner as it is for you to change it, the decisión is up to you.

Communication and clarity

Knowing your own limits means taking them into account and communicating them clearly when choosing a partner and during the course of the relationship. An open dialog about your own deal-breakers at the beginning of a relationship creates clarity and understanding. These conversations should be conducted without reproach and with respect, as it is completely normal to meet people with different values. An honest conversation can help to avoid misunderstandings and understand whether the fundamental values and life goals are in line.

Taking responsibility

Taking responsibility for your own deal-breakers means accepting the consequences when they are crossed. It is not your partner's job to conform to your boundaries if they are not compatible with their own values. Your partner is free and has the right to think what they think is right. The decision to be with someone, even if they don't share the same values or even contradict them, is up to you. You decide and that means that you must also be prepared to reconsider the relationship if your most basic boundaries are not respected.

The danger of change

Trying to change or persuade your partner is not only unfair, but also doomed to failure. People change out of their own motivation and not because you demand it of them. If you stay in a relationship where your dealbreakers are constantly disregarded, you run the risk of falling into a cycle of blame and contempt.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It shows that you are aware of yourself and that you respect yourself. It's important that you make it clear to your partner what you can and cannot tolerate. Having boundaries doesn't mean being inflexible, it means knowing where compromises end because you want to stay true to yourself.

Dealing with deal breakers

If you come across a dealbreaker with your partner, it doesn't mean you have to end the relationship immediately. Sometimes talking and working on the relationship together can produce solutions. Debate in a respectful way can be interesting, especially if there is curiosity on both sides. In other words, if you, besides your disagreement, want to understand why your partner thinks differently and if they also want to understand you. This can create a stimulating exchange and, in the best case, new ideas and approaches on both sides.

But without that kind of exchange, you must have the courage to make decisions that may be painful, but are ultimately fairer to both of you.

Self-esteem as a priority

This approach sounds very drastic at first. But it's not about ending a relationship at the slightest disagreement. For me, relationships are valuable if they respect everyone's values and needs so that you can build something together. Therefore, self-respect and mutual respect should come first. This means staying away from relationships that don't respect your dealbreakers as the only way you can be sure that you are cultivating relationships in which you value each other and can be authentic together.

Dealbreakers in relationships are more than just preferences

They are an expression of our deepest values and convictions. Knowing and upholding them is a sign of strength and self-respect. It takes courage, honesty and sometimes difficult decisions to stay true to them. Ultimately, however, they should help you to find healthier relationships for yourself and also to be fairer to your partner.

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