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Jealousy - a feeling we all know but are reluctant to admit

This emotional state can put relationships to a test and, depending on how it is acted out, can also become very toxic. At the same time, jealousy is a human emotion that should not be condemned, but understood and dealt with. Jealousy is the fear of being abandoned or losing an important person to a third party. Insecurity plays a major role in this, because we believe we will be left because we ourselves are missing something. In my counseling, I have learned a lot about dealing with jealousy and would like to share some of my insights.

Jealousy: a universal feeling

Each of us may have experienced this nagging feeling of insecurity and anxiety. It can come in different forms: in a romantic relationship, between siblings, among friends or even at work. Jealousy itself is not the problem; it's how we deal with it that makes the difference.

The difficult side of jealousy

When jealousy gets out of control, it usually leads to mistrust, reproach and a constant need for control on the part of the jealous person. He or she cannot think of anything else. The fear of being left for someone else means that the partner has to constantly give explanations and evidence to calm the jealousy. This means that the other person has to take care of their partner's jealousy. However, it´s only calmed for as long as reassurance is given. This is usually a bottomless pit, because the jealous person's insecurity remains in the background.

Taking responsibility

A crucial aspect of dealing with jealousy is personal responsibility. Anyone struggling with jealousy must recognize that this feeling arises within themselves and does not come to them from outside. Even if your partner seems to give you a reason to be jealous, control is never the solution. Why should we be with someone we have to control? Control only gives us peace of mind as long as we exercise it, which in turn means that our partner is constantly under control. So first and foremost, it comes down to your own decision not to let jealousy control you.

Communication without reproach

It is perfectly okay to talk about your feelings, including jealousy. However, it is important to do so without accusations and recriminations. An open conversation in which you share your fears and insecurities can work wonders. The partner should never be expected to change their behavior just to alleviate the feeling of jealousy. Instead, the focus should be on finding solutions together and building understanding.

Compassion and new solutions

Jealousy also leads to controlling behavior because we don't know any alternatives at first.

The fact that someone takes responsibility for their jealousy does not mean that they have to learn how to deal with it on their own. In my counseling, it is particularly important to me not to condemn jealousy, but to get to know it. This includes:

  1. Understand yourself better and find out where the jealousy comes from.
  2. Strengthen one's own self-esteem and invalidate limiting beliefs about oneself.
  3. Recognize which healthy points you can hold on to in order to trust your partner.
  4. Have open and honest conversations without accusing the other person.
  5. Draw clear boundaries and respect them.

Jealousy is not an incurable disease

Jealousy is a complex and often misunderstood emotion. You cannot condemn yourself or your partner for being jealous. However, you can take responsibility and learn to deal with it. Jealousy may occur from time to time. However, once you have found the right strategies to deal with it, it is no longer such a burden.

If you are struggling with jealousy in your relationship in any way, it can help to talk about it and seek professional counseling to get clarity.

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