What I learned about jealousy in my counseling

Jealousy - a feeling we all know but are reluctant to admit

This emotional state can put relationships to a test and, depending on how it is acted out, can also become very toxic. At the same time, jealousy is a human emotion that should not be condemned, but understood and dealt with. Jealousy is the fear of being abandoned or losing an important person to a third party. Insecurity plays a major role in this, because we believe we will be left because we ourselves are missing something. In my counseling, I have learned a lot about dealing with jealousy and would like to share some of my insights.

Jealousy: a universal feeling

Each of us may have experienced this nagging feeling of insecurity and anxiety. It can come in different forms: in a romantic relationship, between siblings, among friends or even at work. Jealousy itself is not the problem; it's how we deal with it that makes the difference.

The difficult side of jealousy

When jealousy gets out of control, it usually leads to mistrust, reproach and a constant need for control on the part of the jealous person. He or she cannot think of anything else. The fear of being left for someone else means that the partner has to constantly give explanations and evidence to calm the jealousy. This means that the other person has to take care of their partner's jealousy. However, it´s only calmed for as long as reassurance is given. This is usually a bottomless pit, because the jealous person's insecurity remains in the background.

Taking responsibility

Ein entscheidender Aspekt im Umgang mit Eifersucht ist Eigenverantwortung. Wer mit Eifersucht kämpft, muss erkennen, dass dieses Gefühl in ihm selbst entsteht und nicht von außen auf ihn zukommt. Auch wenn der Partner vermeintlichen Grund zur Eifersucht gibt, ist der Weg der Kontrolle nie die Lösung. Warum sollten wir mit jemandem zusammen sein, den wir kontrollieren müssen? Kontrolle gibt uns nur so lange Ruhe, wie wir sie ausüben, was wiederum dazu führt, dass der Partner ständig unter Kontrolle steht. Es kommt also in erster Linie auf die eigene Entscheidung an, sich nicht von Eifersucht kontrollieren zu lassen.

Communication without reproach

Es ist vollkommen in Ordnung, über die eigenen Gefühle zu sprechen, einschließlich der Eifersucht. Wichtig ist jedoch, dies ohne Vorwürfe und Anschuldigungen zu tun. Ein offenes Gespräch, in dem man seine Ängste und Unsicherheiten teilt, kann Wunder wirken. Es sollte niemals erwartet werden, dass der Partner sein Verhalten ändert, nur um das Gefühl der Eifersucht zu lindern. Stattdessen sollte der Fokus darauf liegen, gemeinsam Lösungen zu finden und Verständnis aufzubauen.

Compassion and new solutions

Jealousy also leads to controlling behavior because we don't know any alternatives at first.

The fact that someone takes responsibility for their jealousy does not mean that they have to learn how to deal with it on their own. In my counseling, it is particularly important to me not to condemn jealousy, but to get to know it. This includes:

1. Understand yourself better and find out where the jealousy comes from.
2. Strengthen one's own self-esteem and invalidate limiting beliefs about oneself.
3. Recognize which healthy points you can hold on to in order to trust your partner.
4. Have open and honest conversations without accusing the other person.
5. Draw clear boundaries and respect them.

Jealousy is not an incurable disease

Jealousy is a complex and often misunderstood emotion. You cannot condemn yourself or your partner for being jealous. However, you can take responsibility and learn to deal with it. Jealousy may occur from time to time. However, once you have found the right strategies to deal with it, it is no longer such a burden.

If you are struggling with jealousy in your relationship in any way, it can help to talk about it and seek professional counseling to get clarity.