Communication in your relationship

During difficult conversations, you and your partner keep going round in circles. You have the feeling that you are not being seen or heard, let alone that your partner understands you. This leads to you constantly thinking and pondering how you could explain something even better.

Maybe you're already at the point where you're avoiding certain topics because they keep triggering discussions. Or you've noticed that you get defensive over even the smallest things. Maybe you even become hurtful in arguments and don't want to.

Communication seeks understanding and connection

In the end, your arguments or discussions are also a sign that you are looking for connection and understanding. You are just so desperate that you start fighting (ranting, getting loud, not listening anymore). The argument is an attempt to make yourself heard in the relationship, the same goes for your partner.

We all use communication to protect ourselves

Attack and defense are protective mechanisms that you have been using since childhood. They are omnipresent in your communication and have certainly helped you many times. That's why you also use them in your relationship. Here, however, they are preventing you from getting closer to each other and you are not making any progress. Listening to each other and asking questions is not a protective reflex. On the contrary, you are making yourself vulnerable. That's why you often find it so difficult. It takes practice and often guidance.

We can learn to communicate more consciously

Even though everyone has their own personal characteristics, we can always learn knew approaches. Relationships in particular make us question and reflect on ourselves a lot. "Why my partner didn't understand what I just said the way I wanted?" We've all asked ourselves that question at some point, haven't we?

Communicating differently therefore doesn't mean that you have to pretend or that you are no longer allowed to say certain things. Quite the opposite. It's about learning to understand your reactions better so that you can then consciously decide whether you really want to react in this way. What did you actually want to say that was misunderstood?

What is important if you want to communicate more consciously?

Communicating more consciously means first and foremost listening to better. Both, to the other person(s) and to yourself. In counseling, we want to maintain a posture of curiosity and we assume not to know exactly what the other person wants to tell us. Not to play dumb, but to keep listening carefully and ask questions that help us understand better. The same applies to you. You can keep asking yourself why you said or thought something like that. What intention or emotion was in the background.

It sounds exhausting, but it can also be really exciting. You will learn a lot about yourself and your partner by the way you communicate with each other.

Why is it so difficult to communicate more consciously?

Working on mutual communication can be exciting and exhausting at the same time. Why is that:

- Your usual communication patterns give you a sense of security.
- You don't (yet) know any suitable alternatives.
- Some things seem illogical to you: you want your partner to understand you better, so why should YOU listen more?
- You and/or your partner easily fall back into old patterns because they have already become automatic reactions. "Relapses" are demotivating.

Communicating more consciously requires willpower at the beginning. It gets easier over time, and small successes and 'aha' moments show that you are on the right track.

It's not always ONLY down to communication

Most couples who come to me for counseling assume that they "simply" need to work on their communication, and in many cases that´s it. However, there are also situations in which the communication doesn't work because deep down there are more complex dynamics or there is very little compatibility between the two. This could also become apparent through the counseling.

An important prerequisite for the success of the counseling sessions is that there is mutual interest and that the interaction remains respectful.

It is important to me that you feel safe

Counseling should be a safe place where you can talk openly with your partner about what you maybe are currently avoiding at home. It is also an opportunity to go deeper and better understand the patterns and experiences behind your communication dynamics. This should create more closeness and connection.

If you would like to start a counseling process, you can book a free initial consultation here. This is conducted by ZOOM and takes 15 minutes to get to know us and answer all your questions.