How can I best support my partner if I have been unfaithful?

A guide to support and healing

Infidelity does not mean the end of a relationship

If an affair or other form of infidelity is uncovered in a relationship, it can deeply shake that relationship. Your partner has lost trust in you, but that doesn't always mean you want to end the relationship.

Often, and rightly so, both have the hope that they can overcome this setback. It is not easy, but possible, to find back to each other after a breach of trust. However, this process is experienced differently by each person, because there is someone who is hurt and someone who is responsible for this hurt. The unfaithful part often does not know what to do to make up for what happened. What should be considered?

Recognizing and understanding the situation

The first step is to accept your own misconduct. It is important to understand the emotional impact on your partner and to acknowledge that your behavior has caused pain and insecurity. You should also communicate this to your partner. He/she has the right to get emotional, to need time and to keep coming back to the subject. This doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. It's just part of the process. Showing understanding is much more important at this point than trying to explain to your partner how the infidelity happened.  

Honesty and transparency

Open and honest communication is crucial. Talk about what happened and be prepared to answer questions and be transparent. This will help your partner to slowly rebuild trust.

Transparency here does not mean sharing all the details, that usually doesn't make it better. It means being honest from now on. If the other person is still present in your life, you still think about them or they still try to keep in touch with you. These are things you should now discuss together.

Taking responsibility

After deciding to stay together despite the infidelity, both of you carry responsibilities. You are the one responsible for the hurt. However, your partner is also responsible for their process of forgiving. If both of you take responsibility for your part, there is no need for blame.

Emotional support

This is certainly one of the most important aspects. Your partner needs you now.Show empathy and understanding for your partner's feelings. Active listening and validating your partner's emotions are crucial to supporting the healing process.

Do you often find yourself at a loss for words? Then you can also ask: How can I support you more here? What do you need from me here?

Rebuilding trust

Restoring trust is a process that takes time. It's about your partner feeling that you are standing by their side. So it requires a lot of patience. Frustration is not uncommon. You may feel that you are trying very hard and that what you are doing to rebuild trust is not being recognized. It just takes time. Showing your partner that you are patient with their pain is probably the greatest sign of trust. Stay consistent in your efforts and show that you are serious.

Seek professional help

If either or both of you feel you are reaching your limits, it makes sense to bring in a third party. Couples therapy or coaching can create a safe space where both feel safe and supported. If you have a counselor at your side, they are there for both of you. This often takes a lot of tension out of the situation.

Long-term strategies and prevention

Open communication and continuous efforts to strengthen the relationship are crucial in the long term. Work together to strengthen the relationship and avoid future problems.

Open communication does not mean open email accounts, it must not require you to give up all of your privacy and from now on always report to your partner so that he/she can trust for today. Trust means that you do not need continuous evidence.

Everything you do should also be okay for you

Supporting your partner's healing process is your most important task at this moment, and it's normal to find it very difficult at times. However, it should never be about hurting yourself or accepting contempt for the sake of your partner's healing. Stay with yourself and give what you can and want to give.

If you would like to find out more about communication in a relationship or how to deal with infidelity, you can continue here:

How to discuss at eye level when emotions are running high

Dealing with infidelity