Unspoken expectations in the relationship

How unspoken expectations influence our communication in a relationship

Expectations play a central role in every relationship. Often these expectations are unspoken and work in secret, which can significantly influence communication between partners. At the same time, we rarely talk about them openly. Have you ever honestly asked yourself what expectations you have of your partner? Or what you think your partner's expectations of you are?

A lot comes into play when we address these questions, and here I describe why.

The dilemma of unspoken expectations

A major reason why expectations remain unspoken is that we are often unaware of them. Or we believe that it is so logical that our partner should know that we expect this of him or her. These expectations, perhaps taken for granted, can lead to misunderstandings and disappointments. On the one hand, expectations are normal and, to a certain extent, necessary. For example, we can expect our partner to communicate honestly and treat us with respect. On the other hand, high expectations can be harmful because they make our partner's acceptance subject to certain conditions.

The danger of high expectations

High expectations can put pressure on a relationship. They can lead us to accept our partner only under certain conditions and not for who they are. This no longer has much to do with love. For example, if you expect your partner to be successful or to always look a certain way, you may not be looking for a partner, but for someone to adorn yourself with. It is therefore crucial to be aware of your own expectations and to question them critically. Why do you have these expectations of your partner?

Openly discussing your expectations

An important step is open communication. By talking to our partner about our expectations, we create clarity. These conversations enable both parties to better understand why certain conflicts keep recurring. You then both have the opportunity to decide whether you agree with each other's expectations. This can lead to an interesting conversation.

Are there good and bad expectations

I have already given a few examples, because expectations can be very different. It is one thing to expect respect or honesty from someone. These are values that are important to many people in a relationship.Or whether I expect someone to bring certain things with them, such as money or good looks. This rule can help: Your expectations should always serve the relationship as an end in itself and never make the other person a means to an end. ( Kant's second expression from the categorical imperative: treat people as ends and never as means to an end.)

Expectations such as honesty, responsibility, and respect serve the relationship itself. Expectations such as always answering text messages immediately or answering the phone serve to reassure one person, while they can put the other under pressure.

Expectations also change depending on the context. For example, when several responsibilities are shared, such as a shared house or children.

An honest examination of expectations brings light into the darkness

Expectations are part of every partnership, but they are not always fair or justified. We realize this especially when we express them openly and loudly. Consciously dealing with and openly communicating about expectations helps to avoid misunderstandings. By learning to recognize and articulate our expectations, we also learn more about what we are looking for in a partnership and what we still want to work on.