From having to being in a relationship: what's the big difference?

We often talk about having a relationship: “I have a relationship,” “Do you also have a partner?” “She doesn't have a partner right now,” etc. The idea of partnership becomes an entity in itself, awakening hopes in us of getting or attaining something. But in practice, this makes it easy to lose focus and pay more attention to the relationship as an abstract ideal than to the people involved – both our partner and ourselves. We develop very specific ideas about what the relationship we want to HAVE should be like.

What is a relationship?

A relationship is more than just communication and happy moments; it is more than mere interpersonal contact. In a relationship, everything we say and do has an effect on the other person – and vice versa. But what happens when we speak of “the relationship we have” as opposed to “the relationship we practice with each other” or “the relationship we ARE in”?

The difference in perspective

When we focus on the HAVING, we easily lose sight of the people. The partner is no longer perceived as an independent person, but as someone who has to fulfill a certain role in the relationship. Likewise, we often see ourselves only in the function of being or sacrificing something for the relationship.I hear this very often, especially from married couples. There is a lot of talk about what they do for their marriage. THE MARRIAGE = The promise to stay together forever. If they do something for their marriage, they do it with the thought that it will help to maintain it. In doing so, both partners often have very different views on what is important for the marriage, but they never exchange ideas about it, because they are more focused on “the marriage” and maintaining it, and less on the TOGETHERNESS of both partners.

The alternative: BEING in a relationship

Instead of seeing relationships as static entities that we have, we can see them as processes of companionship and growth in which we are with each other. This perspective opens up a new process:

- The partner is an individual with their own needs, which I want to take into account. Just as I want my needs to be taken into account.

– The willingness to ask questions,to continuously exchange ideas and to engage in genuine contact with the other person becomes a matter of course.

- The relationship is maintained through mutual exchange. Being in a relationship means being present, with the accompanying responsibility of maintaining an exchange that is valuable to both parties.

Reflection question

How much do you see your relationship as a separate entity, and how does that influence your perception of the people involved? This reflection can help us to better understand the value and dynamics of our relationships and to focus more on the people who make them up.